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stellarstarlit's journal
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It's amazing how bigger the world seems when you're smaller. My five you old cousin asked how old I was turning, and his eyes grew huge when I told him. "Sixteen?" he shouted, "That's so cool! You're so old." I live on the outskirts of nowheresville, Illinois. It's not even a town. It a village - the population of under 800 crammed into an area just bigger than a half of a square mile. My elementary school was talking distance from my house, and there were only eight classes. For the entire school. Kindergarten through 5th grade, and just eight teachers. I was in the same class with the same exact people from 1st to 4th grade, only getting split in half for kindergarten and 5th grade. Since then, it has gotten bigger, but not by much. Of course, the tiny little town isn't big enough to have a high school and middle school as well. There's about 1000 kids in my high school. It's weird, being in a single building with more people than who live in my entire town. I remember once, when I was in 1st grade and Awen was in 3rd we found cat footprints in the snow, and wanted to follow them. We followed them through the neighbors whose back yard is the same patch of grass as ours and around their house until the prints reached the street. Awen crossed the street and told me that the tracks went farther and would I finally just cross the street and come with her? I didn't. whether or not I was afraid, I'm unsure. Our mom told us to never leave the neighborhood by ourselves, and to me, crossing that street was not right. I sometimes wonder where those tracks would have led us if I hadn't turned around and walked back home, with Awen groaning behind me. Today, I can walk across the same road and yell, and Awen would be able to hear me and look out her window to see what I was doing. And she'd be able to see me on that road, and whatever was happening two roads down from there. My town is just one big block, intesected with dozens of streets forming perfect 90 degree angles. But I just thought it was so far away. I'm not sure what this random memory was for. I'm just having a whimsical kind of day. The girl I mentioned in my last post is home, by the way. She broke her arm and got a concussion, but she's alright. Everything's going to be fine. I got my even hour exams over. The odds should have been yesterday, but they got postponed until next week because of snow. Ick. My 2, 4, and 6 are health, band, and spanish - easy, easy classes. My 1, 3, 5, and 7 are all of my academics - math, science, economics, and english. It's going to be a tough day. - Stella |
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It's weird how a single moment can change someones life forever. I saw a little girl get hit by a car today. She couldn't have been more than eight years old. It was right infront of my aunt and uncles house, where we're staying for the weekend. She's their neighbor. It's a friendly neighborhood. Not too many cars driving around. We were outside, braving the cold and playing a twisted version of football, greatly featuring the snow on the ground. We were using two balls. One of them was thrown into the street and left neglected. She decided to go get it. No one saw her go. No one saw the car. No one noticed until she screamed. I never want to hear a person scream like that ever again. It was the sound of sheer terror. It almost seemed inhuman. I looked up in time to see her fall. Face forward. Slow motion. She didn't move. No one can imagine how it could have happened or how the driver didn't see her. All I heard was "head injury" and "unconsious". |
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Today, at 11:29 tonight to be exact, I turn 16. No sweet sixteen extravagent party for me, but since four of my cousins and I are all born in this week (different years) we always have a joint party. My family is extremely... well, I can't explain them, but it will be fun enough. It will be this weekend. The drivers lisence will come soon enough. I got my permit at 15 1/2, a little bit late (you cqan get them at 15 here), and I still need it for another three months before I can get the real lisence. I don't have the energy or the mind set to write a whole lot today, but I decided I might as well wish myself a happy birthday on here. - Stella |
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It's hard for me to write sometimes. On days when my heart is floating and I'm somewhat happy, I just can't do it. Maybe that's a bad thing, but it's become habitual to write my angst. Or write when I'm sad and just need a friend. A friend I don't have. Today is one of those days. Where I just need to talk and talk. And maybe even cry. I have a feeling my fingers are gonna hurt in a few minutes. My sister is popular. I'm not sure why, exactly. But, any way, she has friends that come over almost daily. They eat here, they do their homework here, they make stupid movies of themselves dancing together. All I can ever heard is them laughing from down the hallway. I wonder what she has that I don't. I wonder how it's possible for her to get friends but not me. And I wonder why. It really makes me sad sometimes. All I want is for someone to call me up and just talk. I've never had a conversation like that. Just a "Hey, what's up? How are you? What did you do today?" I so badly just need one person I can just talk to. Just one. That's all I ask. I wonder why some people have so many friends and some don't. I wonder what's wrong with me. Why I'm so different from other people who go to parties every weekend and go shopping with their friends and talk on the phone for hours and hours. I'm starting to think I'm just going to grow up all alone. I long to feel needed. But I don't think that will ever happen. I feel like if I died right now, very few people would be hurt. I've been thinking a lot about the person who was once my best friend, but no longer. I'm not sure what happened, exactly. She changed. A lot. I think. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not the one that did the changing. We used to be oh so close. I went over her house every morning before school for 5 years. Then she started getting boyfriends. And more boyfriends. And two or three boyfriends at the same time. While I've had none. I remember when she got her first boyfriend. 7th grade. Her neighbor who went to a private school. A boy I never knew for her to like. She didn't tell me. It was up in an AIM away message. I remember the exact words, "out at the pool with the love of my life". Did I know who the love of her life was? No. I teased her about it and she said that they were dating for a month. Of course, she's had many "loves of her life". I remember going to every middle school dance with her. My mom drove there, her mom drove home. Usually she would bring the neighbor boyfriend, Jon, with her as a guest. One time, he couldn't go. When i was looking for her so we could go find her mom's car after the final song ended, she was dancing with another boy. I figured it was a sympathy dance. That he asked her and she felt too bad to turn him down. Then she kissed him. "I'm telling Jon," I said, walking up to the two of them. "Go ahead, tell him. I don't care." So she then started dating this new boy, and Jon, neither one of them knowing about each other. Jon and I were pretty good friends. We talked, we IMed. At first, I thought she and Jon had broken up. In him AIM profile it listed their initials and a heart. It was never erased. I never told. I should have. But I didn't. As the years went on, we still were friends. We still went over each other's houses. We still talked. Then it was the summer before freshman year. She made the school's drumline on the snare drum as a freshman - a first. She met all of these older kids that admired her for her talents. It got to her head, and she moved on to only hanging out wth older kids. She got a college freshman boyfriend - a boy who was previously on the drumline and went to help them out. And then a high school junior. Now, I realize all of her faults. She is increadibly two faced, constantly. She can go hang out with someone and act like they're her best friend, and five minutes later go tell someone else how annoying they are. But still, people love her. It makes me sad to see her insteract so nicely with people I've heard her diss so harshly. I feel bad that they are becoming a victim to her lies. I'm not sure what she thinks of me now. I'm not sure if she talks about me behind my back. I'm not sure if she cares. I'm not sure if anyone still remembers how close we were. We used to finish each other's sentences. We used to make each other laugh so easily. Sometimes all we had to do was look at each other, and we'd remember some silly thing we did previously that day, or that week, and just start laughing. All we had to do was glance in each other's general direction, and we'd be reduced to tear enducing giggles. Dispite all of her faults, and everything I know about the true her, and even how I look so lowly on the things she does, I still long to be her friend again. I miss the person she was. Not the person she is. If we could go back to age eight, that would be really nice. Someone asked me if we were still best friends. It hurt a lot, but I shook my head, grimaced, and had to say "no, not really". They told me that was too bad, but that they could understand why, since "she's been acting really bitchy lately". Another person said that she was, "a skanky little hoe". Every time I hear something bad said about her, even if I think the same thing (which I do in both comments), it still hurts. I still want to go up to the person and tell them to leave her alone. But I don't. I can't. Not any more. I just hope she feels the same way about me. It's not that we're not nice to each other. Not really. We can still have something that can be related to a pleasent conversation. But still, when I think back on those conversations, I can twist everything she says into a mean comment. And I hope she doesn't really mean them. I treasure the memories we made together. Even if it does make me sad that we will most likely not make any more. Best friend, I love you. No matter what. Even though you do make so many mistakes. An eight year bond is hard to be broken. It is torn, but there are still some lingering threads left, just barely hanging on. Wow. I feel so good to get that out. I have been thinking for so long to just write up something and mail it to her, telling her how much I care about her even though I don't like the person she is now. That won't happen, but hitting the "post to stellarstarlit" button is close enough. - Stella |
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When we were kids, my mom always gave my sister, Awen, the first choice of popsicles when she was giving them to us. Whether she was just perpetually close to the freezer or what, I’m not sure. My mom always bought the box with the three generic flavors – cherry, grape, and orange. My sister would always manage to gobble up the cherry and grape ones, leaving me stuck with the orange ones. She never touched the orange ones, for whatever reason. I had seen her drink orange juice, order orange sherbet at ice cream vendors, unwrap orange hard candies, and actually peal an orange, break it into those naturally predisposed slices and eat it. But she never wanted an orange popsicle. I don’t know why she wouldn’t eat them, and that’d be kind of an awkward question to ask. “Hey, Win, how come you never ate orange popsicles when we were little?” Especially for sisters who hardly ever talk. As we grew older, and our mom instead put the box in the freezer without dishing them straight out to us, letting us fend for ourselves. Some how, there are only ever orange ones. She manages to only leave the orange ones. Always. Sometimes I’ll eat them just because I’m craving a popsicle. Sometimes I just don’t bother because I’m tired of boring orange. I can’t remember the last time I ate a Popsicle that stained my mouth that dark purple or bright red I have so many memories of being on the lips of my sister. If ever. I’m starting to think that orange popsicles are good at metaphorically describing my life. Orange popsicles, at one point, must have had some kind of excitement at one point. To someone who has never had a popsicle, orange ones are awesome. Maybe, my sister’s first popsicle, one I have no memory of, was an orange one. I feel like a peaked when I was younger. People though I was cool when I was about nine and ten and before that. Then, suddenly, people got tired of me. They didn’t need Stellas any more. They had other people. New, more exciting people. But, unlike my sister had me to eat the rejected popsicles for her, I have no one to befriend my rejected being. And there are some people that won’t ever touch orange popsicles, like myself. And those that do. I like people that do. Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever written the word ‘popsicle’ so many times. I doubt I’ll ever forget to spell it, and I doubt I’ll ever want to write it again. And now I’m craving a popsicle. But, I checked. We only have orange ones left. Go figure. So, my twisted metaphoric advice is to go make friends with an orange popsicle. Sugar and ice or human or otherwise.
The orange popsicles of the world thank you.
- Stella |
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I have recently fell in love with the folk singer Sufjan Stevens. As in I-want-to-marry-you-or-at-least-move-in-r The title of the post it a lyric from "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us" by him. And it's in an album called "Illinois" which totally rocks if you're into any kind of folk song. I live in Illinois. I thought it was a pretty cool state. That all three of the letters in the beginning are interchangable in appearence with i's and L's when writing in times new roman. The whole silent S thing is pretty nifty too. But then I found this album. If you had any doubts about the awesomeness of Illinois, then you'll be able to change your mind with this. In my opinion anyway. "Predatory Wasp" is my favorite because it mentions Horseshoe Lake. I live right near Horseshoe lake. 30 minutes away tops. It is the most beautiful place in the world. Seriously. If you happen to be stopping by Madison County, IL for whatever reason, go there. That, and I have heard a bunch of band people playing the song (if you listen, you'll notice the prominent flute, trumpet, piano and I believe french horn parts featured as well as guitar). Just now am I connecting it with him. Anyway, this week has been tough. It's hard to get back into the swing of things after the holiday break. I stayed in the warm comforts of my own home all of the two weeks. Before, I thought a break was what I needed to get me feeling like myself again. Now I just want to go back to the sleeping past noon and not worrying about book reports and vocab tests and the impending finals and all the things that are now looming over me. Now it's cold and wet and slushy and snowy and gross. The sky seems to be an everlasting sheet of gray. The sun has given up trying to peak though, and just sits unseen not doing it's job to lighten Illinois. I need to move to Florida. Sping please. - Stella |
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I like science. I lot. I can't say I'm too bad at it either. My teacher suggested me to apply for honors biology for next year. I didn't agree right away. Then she mentioned that I could apply and change my mind later, but couldn't change my mind and apply later. I still didn't want to. And i missed the deadline. Then the deadline was extended three weeks. I felt like it was a sign. A second chance. So I got the paper work. Filled it out. Wrote that essay. Got reccomendations. Today, I find out that if I want to do it, it means I quit band. Or Spanish. Quitting spanish would be funny, though. I'm already a year ahead. There's absolutely no other way to fit it in. Honors bio is a double block. I thought about qutting band for about three seconds. But I couldn't. Band... it just sucks you in. There is no way I could quit. It wouldn't be morally right. So, instead, I will stay in regular science. And relish all the moments next year I'll have with all of my band friends that I'd miss out on if I took the science class. Maybe things work out for the best. We'll see. - Stellar Stella |
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I'm not expecting any one to read this, but just in case, I've decided that I might as well introduce myself. Hey, I'm Stella. Nice to meet you. Welcome to my world. I'm not very interesting, to be honest. But that's for you to decide, not me. I'm trying to write this as an outlet for me to figure out the uncertainties of my uncertain being. About me? Huh. I've got dark blonde hair that is perpetually hanging limp at my shoulders. Green eyes that actually look almost gray when the sun hits them. I'm about 5'3, average weight, shoe size 8. Why does that matter? You've never seen me and probably never will. Looks shouldn't ever base an opinion on someone. I haven't ever and I'm not about to start. So bare with me. Read, learn, and hey, maybe you'll even be able to find something about me that you have a relationship with. 1. I over think things way too much. I can't ever make a decision. I'm never one to be spontaneous, even though I sure wish I was. 2. I love the summer and get depressed in the winter. The sun beating down on my face and neck and feeling the burns start, and even though it'll hurt later, it still feels good. Ever lasting gray skies and being so cold you want to cry? Not my thing, thanks. 3. I scares me to think that people on earth are the only living things in the universe. Actually, the vastness of the universe alone scares me. 4. I constantly wonder why things have to be the way they are. Why the sky is really blue, why the grass is really geen, why the ocean is filled with water and salt instead of water and pepper. I know these questions don't have answers, but they won't ever go away. 5. I'm in the school band and marching band, and even though I'm not very good at playing the saxophone, I could never imagine doing anything differently. Band is my life. 6. I believe in god, and I believe in heaven and hell. But I don't want to go. After I die, I'll be done with life. I just want to be gone. No heaven, no hell, no afterlife. Just let me dissappear. I'm scared that heaven is the same as earth, and not really where I want to be. I don't get what's so great about it anyway. 7. I greatly lack self confidence. 8. I don't have many friends. There are people I can talk to, laugh with, walk to class with, but I don't have any outside of school. No one to go shopping with, or count down the new year with, or anyone I can just go to if I want to share a secret, or ask for advice. Once, there was that person. But now she's moved on to bigger and better things and I'm stuck burried in the dust she kicked back as she fled away. 9. No boyfriend, never has been. I know I don't need one, but I'd like someone to just be there for me. There is this one boy. I known him my entire life, and I'm just now trying to read between the lines and wonder if maybe, just maybe, there are feeling for me in his heart as there are for him in mine. I'm afraid of rejection. I can't ask him. 10. Sometimes it feels like life is one big jigsaw puzzle, but you're perpetually trying to fit pieces together where they don't belong, and even though it's a brand new box that you just sliced the plastic coating off of, there are pieces missing. And you don't know how they could have been pushed off of the table and on to the floor or under the table cloth, or place mats, or tv. And you start to wonder if they weren't even there in the first place. Or it's a big board game of "The Game of Life" and you're playing with all of your friends, and you're the last little peg-ridden plastic automobile on the road riddled with problems and questions with no answers and while you seem to be having the hardest time, everyone else is having a fun time and not letting the house floods or ski accidents or midlife crisises bother them. And I just want to know why. If you happen to catch this accidently, drop a comment. It'd be nice to know that someone is there and I'm not completely alone. - Stellar Stella
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contemplative